Sunday

I Am Not a Professional

I cut my own hair.  Once. My bangs.  I was 9 or 10.  


So, my mom gave me a home permanent. 


I don’t know if it was to COVER the jagged cut or DISTRACT from it with something worse. This was the hair solution of choice in my home.  I had a perm every time I blinked.  


And ya’ll, I blinked, a lot.  


Let me just put it this way, if there had been a look-alike contest for Richard Simmons, I would have BEAT him.  A friend of mine saw a picture of my childhood afro and started calling me Regina (as in Richard’s long lost sister.)  


I learned my lesson:  I have never cut my hair again. (I also learned to hide from my mother when she came home from the grocery store- which sold home permanents to unlicensed people). 


I am not a professional.  That is why I go and have my hair done by a trained, highly regarded, salon stylist.  They are called stylists at Supercuts, right?


I’m in situations every day where I could use a professional:


I am not a licensed professional chauffeur. I failed my first driving test.  To this day, if my life depended on my ability to parallel-park, I’d be on life support.  And yet, I carpool, run dozens of errands weekly, and drive with passengers, daily.


I am not a certified professional chef from a fine culinary institute.  Perhaps this is why my toddler throws her food and my older kids run to the door every time it rings on the off-chance it’s a pizza man. My children’s NUTRITION depends on me. 


I am not a degreed doctor in the medical profession.  There are days where ALL I DO is medicate children. This is dangerous.  I’m describing symptoms, googling rashes.  I own my own temporal lobe thermometer and an ear thingy to check on ear infections.  See, how safe is that?  I don’t even KNOW what it’s called!


I am not a professional housekeeper.  Does that really need to be explained?  You can touch the dust, but please do not write your name in it.


I drive, I medicate, I clean.  But don’t expect perfection, I am an amateur.  


Not all hope is lost.  I am certified to do the following:


I can tickle like a pro.  I can remove sticky fruit roll up from the butt of Ann Taylor Loft denim in a snap.  I can talk on the phone, type on my computer and finish a school project SIMULTANEOUSLY.  I can nurse a baby walking, while pushing a grocery cart WITHOUT exposing a breast.  I can do wonders with Hamburger Helper and stretch a dollar like a rubber band.  


I can remove dog poop from the grooves of most shoes.  I can unclog a marshmallow gun and  poke a straw in a Capri sun blindfolded.  I can slick down my son’s cowlick, with spit.  I can cause quite a commotion when I scream, “Attack” at my daughter’s soccer game and I can silence my children with my special look.


I am a professional mom. Hear me ROOOAAAARRRR!


P.S. 

I do not cut my children’s hair.  Ever.  Bad hair decisions are inherited.  So, I leave it to the professionals.


And if home permanents weren’t already illegal, I wouldn’t let that curse continue on to the next generation.  That stronghold was broken at the Home Permanent Celebrate Recovery Deliverance Program.


Amen.  Hallelujah. 


Originally posted in February, 2008.  I'm trying to move some of my first posts over to Blogger from my old Mac site.

36 comments:

P.S. He loves you... said...

I am a professional licensed hair stylist and yet my hair would be safer in your hands! LOL!!!

As for all the "other stuff"..."FAKE it till you MAKE it" is my saying!

Pix~ Pix~ Pix of your week away!!!

Lynn said...

Your posts are just so fun to read!

jOni lAnE said...

I giggled all the way through this post. My favorite is the breast feeding while walking etc. You are amazing! ;)

Heather said...

I didn't have it as bad as you in the hair department - my mom only permed my bangs. Walking while breastfeeding? You are my new hero.

marky said...

LOL..I love reading your posts. I do cut my kids hair..and I am a beauty school drop out! My oldest won't let anyone else touch his hair!
You are an amazing MOM!

The Sullivan Sitcom said...

Great Post! Thanks!

Caution said...

I do get amazed at how much courage necessity generates. It's a mom thing for sure!

Katie said...

breastfeeding while walking in the grocery store - now that is darn impressive

Threeundertwo said...

It is amazing - they give us these kids at the hospital and we suddenly have to do all this real, grown-up serious stuff! Is anybody ever qualified?

I can't parallel park to save my life either.

blessedwith5 said...

You know it is scary to be a mom when you put it all in writing like that!

Great post!

MoziEsmé said...

What was with those perms?! I looked like a poodle!

And way to go, professional mom! You have some awesome talents!

albert & angela fontenot said...

I just found your blog and I must say...I am rolling with laughter. But rest assured I am not judging you for being THAT family...I am laughing because I can totally relate! Your blog is fabulous and so is your family!
angela fontenot
www.fontenotkids.blogspot.com

Pregnantly Plump said...

My mom also seemed to think permanent solution would solve all my hair problems in elementary school. And she refused to use the bigger permanent rods, only the smallest would do for her little poodle in the making.
While I do cut my husband's hair (not well) I do not think I'll cut Little Elvis' hair. Fortunately for us, the first cut is still a long way off.

Adrienne said...

I wont go near a capri sun, they explode if I look at them.

Jai said...

You ARE also a professional comedian .. I cut my children's hair until they start school. People don't seem to excuse a lopsided haircut once they enter kindergarten ...

Sherri said...

I know that perm.....I lived with it atleast once every year and a half(my perms keep for a year)while growing up.It was always a fro if ever there was one! All my school pictures were with a perm or my mother would tease my hair in an almost bouffant sorta way(and I'm only 28,so this was in the 80's)!

Jennie said...

You are the bomb-diggety, girl.

Darla @ UltraBeautyBoutique said...

Oh how I hear you loud and clear!

I need a better 'special look' tho, mine isn't working.

Tara said...

What a great post. I cut my own hair all the time, not because I'm good at it. I'm really pretty terrible, actually, but I never get the urge for a haircut when Supercuts is open. So I just hack away in the bathroom until someone comes in and rescues me.

LifeatTheCircus said...

I loved this line,"I can nurse a baby walking, while pushing a grocery cart WITHOUT exposing a breast." You are def more of a professional mom than me b/c I KNOW I would show the whole world WAY more than they wanted to see if I did that! :-)

auds at barking mad said...

Does anyone still SELL perms? Do they still give them in salons? Having a massive head full of unruly curls (thank goodness for flat irons!), I'd probably be the first to buy and use chemical straightner...sans any sort of license. *lol*

Oh and now that you've claimed you are a pro at de-dog-pooping shoes, I'll be sending you a box soon. Just kidding. I tend to NOT deal with that. The hubby does! He's the pro in our house.

Mom of TWO Princesses said...

LOL... thanks for the giggle! I love the comment about touching the dust, but don't write your name in it.

I cut my 6 yr old's hair... I wish I never had, lol. However, she screams bloody murder when in a salon chair, yes, even at this age, so it saves my sanity. She'll have to deal with bad hair until she gets over the fears.

I, however, refuse to cut my 2 yr old's hair. I don't need two kids with bad hair, lol.

Rena said...

HUGE GINORMOUS SMILE!

I love this! And I just realized that I probably should have saved my post from yesterday on my daughter's recent hair identity crisis for fro me to you. Hmmm...shucks!

I recall the PERM! YIKES! Yes, the bondage is broken! AMEN!

It is my sincere desire that you know that your lack of professional skills in these areas is our gain! That is, in sharing your areas of what may be weakness to you, you help us to remember that we are not alone. We need to be real. And oh, YOU are not alone! TRUSTTTT ME!

Besides, in our weakness, HIS strength is made perfect! Guess that means for you and me at least...lots and lots of God's strength! ;)

And it's not that easy poking those straws in Capri Sun. Tricky....if you're not careful, you're soaked!

Okay, one more thing, I promise, just one...my teen daughters- the middle one especially- BEG me to buy Hamburger Helper. Puzzling?? I mean, over a home cooked meal? I will tell you this day (with shame) that I was quite embarrassed throughout the years when I put those boxes in my buggy. I mean, what would everyone think? That's all I cook? Or can I afford anything else? I suppose this was due to years of eating Hamburger Helper growing up. Because it was cheap, mainly and we had many mouths to feed and few dollars.

How silly to think that people have really been concerned with the box in my buggy! Kinda' haughty! Heavy sigh of repentance....

I shall proudly place these boxes in my buggy and think, "I am not the ONLY one...there is THAT mama!"

So, thank you!

Kendrawolf said...

Thanks for reminding us that we aren't professionals so that we can use that argument against our hubbies next time things don't go well.

Mrs. Querido said...

When I read the part about breastfeeding while walking, I said to myself " I can do that too!" and then I finished the sentence "while pushing a cart in the grocery store without exposing a breast." Beyond my capabilities...lol. You are definitely a PRO!

Do you write professionally as well? I am contemplating a career as a part-time freelance writer. Just wondered if there is any advice you would care to pass on to a novice? *said oh-so hopefully* :)

I love your writing style and enjoy going to your blog every day to giggle, meditate on the Word, and be thankful for my life as a SAHM. You are truly using the talent He has given to you for His glory.

Blessings!

Mrs. Q

Domestic Accident said...

Oh my goodness, that was great.
ps- missed ya on my trip. Glad to be able to read you as my daily pick me up.

April said...

See if only I had read this 8 years ago. I too cut my own hair as a pre-teen, of course it was a horrible cut...that I quickly blamed on my sister, who was 2 years younger..."why did YOU let me do this..." I had wet my bangs...stretched them WAY down on my face...and cut them with sewing scissors...above my fingers..not BELOW..so they were about 1/4 of an inch long, or short...not sure how to say that! But see I didn't end with me. When my oldest was about 2, I decided that paying (all of $8) for a haircut was not necessary, so I decided to cut, actually BUZZ his hair. Not with clippers, NO, I used a beard and mustache trimmer. YEP! He of course was NOT still, so, he was the only 2 year old I have ever seen with a comb-over. It was pitiful! But I decided then, that I was not a stylist either. But I, like you am a pro at many things. I am a professional eater, and breather, you should see me, I can inhale followed by exhaling without even thinking about it! And trip, I do this almost EVERY time I walk-PRO! My best professional quality would most definitely have to be BLINKING, it is amazing just how well I do it!

Karen said...

Bwahahaha!!!

I can relate to so much of that.

Joanna said...

You go girl! I can't even put the straw in the Capri Sun without bending the straw all up! I usually break out a knife to start the hole for me! : )

Bubba's Sis said...

Oh, those 80's perms! What were our mothers thinking?!? No more perms for me. EVER. I don't even color my hair - what you see is what you get.

(I do occasionally trim my bangs, only because I'm too cheap and lazy to go have someone do it for me! If I hold my mouth just right they turn out OK.)

Alicia said...

Your blog is a choking hazard. I have just learned to never read any of your posts while eating or drinking. Seriously, you should put some sort of disclosure or notice from the surgeon general up there. I'm just sayin'.

Valarie said...

Brestfeeding while grocery shopping? Now that is good. All the skills you listed I think are much more important than the others. I mean what would are children do if we did not know how to open a capri sun??

THopgood said...

I feel ya dawg. My mom permed my hair too...once. She, however, learned from her 1st BIG mistake...I'm sorry yours didn't. ;)

PS ~ Ann Taylor Loft is my home away from home. 75% of my wardrobe comes from that store.

THopgood said...

I feel ya dawg. My mom permed my hair too...once. She, however, learned from her 1st BIG mistake...I'm sorry yours didn't. ;)

PS ~ Ann Taylor Loft is my home away from home. 75% of my wardrobe comes from that store.

Jessica said...

THAT PICTURE AT THE BOTTOM IS SO CUTE

D... said...

I do not cut my hair. Ever. I had a tragic bang experience in 11th grade. I also never cut my kids' hair. Ever. I gave my daughter a tragic bang experience when she was 2. I hung up my scissors after that.