Friday

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Mr. Fly,

In an effort to explain my children's recent behavior, I must start at the beginning.

A week ago, my family drove 40 minutes to the Ikea mega store.  We only go a few times a year, so I'm sure you can imagine my shopping excitement.  But as soon as we arrived, my sweet son became ill.  My hubby, who understands my deep-seeded shopping issues, encouraged me to make a quick run through the store with the other children, while he tended our son.

Well.  That was a lot of pressure.  With such a limited window of time, I hurried through the enormous store and grabbed a few items from the $1.99 bins.  And that's when I discovered this:


I didn't travel all that way in order to buy a fly swatter.  But it was pink.  And it was a $1.99. And it was a twin pack.  No further explanation needed.

Once I got home, I put away my new packages of napkins and paper plates and the $.99 tote bags.  (Of course, I threw away the one my son puked in on the way home.  I'm not that frugal). I stuck the fly swatters on top of the 'fridge.

Even though it's terribly hot here, I like to pretend there is a breeze and open my back door so I can keep an eye on my kids playing in the backyard.  Some of your friends take the opportunity to make themselves at home.

Now, I'm not a calloused person.  I care for God's creatures. While you're not my favorite, I don't want to kill you.  But unfortunately, every time you land on something in my home, my kids scream, "Poop!  Every time a fly lands, he poops!" Sometimes they throw the word, "vomit" in there, too.
 
Well.  Since we're up to our ears in poop & vomit most days, I couldn't exactly encourage this.

So, I gave my kids each a pink fly swatter and taught them how to use it.  

Not my finest parenting moment.

But I would like to apologize, Mr. Fly, because I got busy cooking dinner and I eventually noticed my children were missing. 

I was shocked to discover them in the back yard.

With the swatters.

They killed your cousin and your aunt and probably, your grandpa.  

I even heard my daughter say, "Die, fly.  I don't even care if you have a family."

She was rebuked and the swatters were taken away.

I hope you can forgive us.

Yours truly,
THAT family

65 comments:

The Nester said...

brilliantly written.

your fan,
nester

World's Greatest Mommy said...

Oh what vicious, horrible children. It reflects badly on their upbringing :)

1. Love Ikea. Wish I lived there. Ours is about 40 minutes away too. Apparently my backyard wasn't big enough for them to use despite my repeated emails and letters.

2. My kids scream the same thing when they see a fly, consequently all flies in my home die quickly.

3. Never thought of having the kids do my dirty work. Nice idea.

4. You are hilarious, and quite possibly my fave blogger in the universe.

Tammy said...

Oh, I so want to visit the Ikea store soon. The closest one to me is in Atlanta.

My son, the germ freak, will not touch anything a fly lands on. I should probably get him his own swatter too.

I'm not sure you saw it, but I composed a letter on my blog Wednesday of this week!

The four little penguins say: said...

I feel the exact same way about flies! lol
And my kids were terrified of them until I taught them the song, "Shoo Fly" which is what they now call all flies. Now if I could only get them to stop screaming at the sight of moths, and that bees are NOT our friends, we'll be good.

민석 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Apple said...

I like your site...funny!!!! :)

KD-Pie said...

**snort**

(Now I want to drive the 30mins to our IKEA and get fly swatters. Pink is awesome. I *heart* IKEA)

Kendrawolf said...

I thought me son was the only one who sneaks the swatters outside to kill flies! Henry likes to lay in wait next to the trash can.

J.Danger said...

Thats so funny! We have some in the shape of guitars and we had to designate which guitar had guts on it and which guitar was for air guitar practice. That trial and error was fun!

Thanks for your advice on Number two's sleeping. I will take notes and keep you posted!

-J.Danger

Kelsey said...

Oh my gosh too funny!

Mrs. Querido said...

Around here it is ants...my boys kill ants for entertainment. Now I have tried to get through to them that OUTSIDE ants are fine...INSIDE ants are dead. We're still working out the details...lol!

Lisa @ Stop and Smell the Chocolates said...

Hmmm...now I'm thinking that I need to get to IKEA. It's been too long. I didn't know there was such a thing as cute fly swatters!

nanatrish said...

Very funny! I have always thought flies were so gross. Yes, IKEA is the greatest store. I'm so glad we have one right off I-75 here in Atlanta. I wonder if mommies still use fly swatters for popping little calves when there's some misbehavin'. I guess that's abuse now. :) Love your blog.

Kristen M. said...

You can redeem yourself now and turn those fly swatters into giant bubble wands.

My sister lives 5 minutes from an Ikea but it is an hour from my house. I'm jealous of her. When I was first married I had to negotiate Ikea trips. If I "made" my husband take me to Ikea then I had to go with him to the golf store across the street. It seemed like a fair compromise.

Heather said...

I might need to take a trip to Ikea ... those are cute fly swatters and we definitely need one around here. Your story is cute :)

Happy Mommy said...

Die FLY I don't care if you have a family!
That is very funny! I hate fly's and I too like to pretend it's cold outside and leave the door open to see the children, and they little pests just creep in...

Kim @ What's That Smell? said...

That is just too funny!

Isn't it funny how "Not my finest parenting moment." often turns into some of the best stories?

Edi said...

Fun idea with fly swatters...

Using a CLEAN swatter is best...

Pour blowing bubbles solution into a flat-ish container. Dip in swatter - then wave the swatter around and millions (well not quite that many) of tiny bubbles go flying around.

Flies just seem so filthy don't they?

marky said...

LOL.. what creative kids!! they were trying to do their best at ridding the world of excess poop!

onemoreequalsfour said...

Okay, that is hysterical. In my family, the kids would do the same thing...but my husband would be the ringleader. I envision him with holsters on each side and a hero complex ridding the world of vomit carrying flies everywhere!

Memarie Lane said...

I do the same thing with the back door.

My kids used to be terrified of bugs, so I made them watch a Magic School Bus video about bugs and they loved it. When they saw a bug and freaked out I'd tell them, "he's just looking for his mommy and daddy, leave him alone!"

But the other day I found my 2yo kneeling over a winged ant, a murderous expression on her face, pounding its tiny head and saying "die you yucky bug! Die!!!"

Suzie said...

Poor flies. But how could you resist a nice pink fly swatter. They were PINK!

Colleen said...

I'm so glad I read your last two posts in chronological order. I've stopped crying and started laughing. Kids do that to us, though, don't they? ;o)

Jenn said...

What an original idea and post!

Erin said...

oh man, my kids would have so much fun off in the backyard with fly swatters also!!!

Lisa J said...

Ok, I love God's creatures too, but send our kids my way and they can swat all the flies they want with no rebuke from me. In fact, I will join them. I am tired of all the flies in my house and my three acres as well!!!! =)

THopgood said...

I have a secret love affair with IKEA...they just recently opened one up near our home....shh..don't tell my hubby.

This is why I'm counting down the days till school starts. My daughter will be in school all day next year and I can spend an entire day in IKEA all by myself if I want to. *sigh* soon IKEA, soon.

Michelle said...

"Die, fly. I don't even care if you have a family." LOL!!! That made me laugh so hard that my chest is still hurting!!

Mom of TWO Princesses said...

LOL... fly stand no chance in my house! My 2 year old has a pretty good aim, sometimes, lol.

Caution said...

I'm not so generous toward the fly population!

Hope your son is all better!

Phyllis@Aimless Conversation said...

When I was a kid, I remember my dad handing out the flyswatters and PAYING us a nickel for every fly we killed. I was on a mission then! funny, I don't think my own kids would think that was a very good deal.

Jennie said...

BWAHAHAHA!

Neurotically Yours: said...

That is too funny!

Tanja said...

Hee-hee!

My kids and I are fly freaks, too. Death of a family and all.

Kim said...

Too, too funny! Thanks for the laugh. We have 3 swatters in my house - all different sizes depending on the size of the flying enemy. I have a strict rule - only squash those inside - when outside they are off limits.

PS: I tagged you for a short MeMe - hope you don't mind, but I thought your answer would be a good one.

Karen said...

I would have been so proud. And probably encouraged them to find said family to kill those, too. We just have Too. Many. Flies.

I guess I'm just a cold blooded killer.

Amy said...

I've been lurking for quite some time, but I must tell you that you make me laugh! And that's one of my most favorite things to do in life. That and kill flies!

Merrianne & Spencer said...

that is really funny!

I wish i had a Pink One! :)

Valarie said...

Is there not an exception somewhere for flies???? They are really really gross, and they have all those eyes. They weird me out, flying around like they do.

Why is it that when you are awake you have to hunt them down, but when your asleep they land on your head??

Bina said...

Love it!!!!! And, um, can I borrow those kids?

The Fritz Facts said...

That is to funny! We have one in the shape of a flip-flop that makes nosies when you hit it on something. It is fabulous!

LifeatTheCircus said...

"Die, fly. I don't even care if you have a family." That is a truly great quote!! :-) Thanks for sharing!!

Gotta GROW with it said...

what a funny one! you are such a fabulous writer. btw...better warn the spiders next!

Darla @ UltraBeautyBoutique said...

HAHAHAHHAHHA! Oh, kids, gotta love 'em...or rebuke 'em? LOL!

blessedwith5 said...

Oh, My!!! What are you teaching your children??? Thank you so much for the very entertaining post! You make me laugh!

Good & Crazy said...

At least they aren't scared of them....ah...like mine are!

Muthering Heights said...

Did you have to excuse yourself to go laugh in secret before the rebuke? The things that come out of their mouths are just priceless! Thanks for the laugh!!

Becoming Me said...

I am gasping for air! I agree with Nester, you are brilliant. Great post. Poor fly--being attacked in his own territory...have your kids ever see the Ant Bully? I have not, but the title makes me think it may be worth a check out.

cajungal01 said...

VERY funny! I love the shopping while your husband took care of your ill little one, I love that he understood and you went. I think it's hysterical that they took fly killing to a new level. :0)

Threeundertwo said...

"Die fly, I don't even care if you have a family!"

ROFL!!!

craftymom said...

I'm on the "die flys" band wagon!

As much as I'd love to be the proud owner of a pink fly swatter, I found one at Walmart that looks like a mini tennis racquet and it zaps the fly when you swat it. I like that....no more fly guts on my kitchen counter.

Grateful for Grace said...

I do not think you owe Mr. Fly an apology. At. All.

That is exactly what my kiddos scream when they see a fly and they have my full support to hate them. No fly remains alive here if he crosses the threshold. And I have no qualms about killing them outside. As a matter of fact, we killed 4 in here yesterday.

Die, fly, die!!

Karen said...

I am obsessed with killing our household flies. Every time someone opens a door, I can be heard bellowing, "Close the door! Bugs! Bugs!"

Little Dickens Designs said...

Thank you for the thoroughly entertaining read!

jennifer said...

For shame! It's OK though, I'm sure it had nothing to do with your parenting skills.

Be blessed.

Jen

psst...Daughter of Kristen... thank you for your spot on aim. That was a few less flys/flies ? at my fammily 4th of July picnic. I think she hung the swatters on that hook in the cleaning supply closet, so, if you find it, feel free to kill some more pests! But ssshhhhhh, this conversation DIN'T HAPPEN.

Christie O. said...

let us know if he writes you back!

Joy said...

I was smiling while I read your entire post but when I got to the "Die, fly! I don't even care if you have family" part... I lost it! I am laughing uproarously and now I need to read this to hubby...

Joy said...

Hubby laughed and said, "That was awesome!"

Faerie Mom said...

Oh, fabulous. I need me some pink swatters....

Lilypad Mom said...

I love IKEA, you just pushed me into really needing to go again.

Do you want to send your kids on a trip to NY? I have some ants that could practice on!

Jessica D. said...

Love IKEA! Hate FLYS!

TONYA said...

HA HA HA. Now could you send your kids over to my house b/c there is a fly that took up residency yesterday and no matter how many times we've tried to evict him, he remains.

Tausha said...

You-are a fabulous mom! I would give the swatters back. Come on-the bugs are only going to come in the house!

val said...

when we were kids we would get bored (at the stables, after riding.) and pull WINGS off flies. PLENTY of flies at the barn. I shudder at the thought now.
But squishing them with a swatter? No problem-o.......

Lynn said...

Hilarious post! Loved everything from the pink fly swatter to your daughter's killing rampage.