Thursday

He Said/She Said (5): Resources



She Said:

Just hours after my hubby's confession, I knew he needed help. We needed help. We had each other. We had God, but we were desperate for tools to fight the sin of pornography.

I watched my best friend break into two as he described the years he'd silently fought for victory, counting off the days he'd remained pure with scratch marks in a secret notebook, only to rip out the page and start over when he failed. Again and again.

We immediately found a counselor who dealt with these issues through Focus on the Family's site. We had to pay out-of-network fees, but we were desperate and money seemed so unimportant. This was our marriage!

We bought every book resource we could find (there were only about 4 or 5 at the time). I threw out every People magazine and catalog in the house because I learned even advertisements can trip a man up. I bought Internet safety software, turned the TV off and we focused our lives on conquering this. The counselor taught my hubby what to do with the images already burned into his mind (video below) and then he spent hours counseling me (I'll share in a later post how he helped me).

It was God's grace and practical tools that helped my hubby walk in complete freedom and helped heal the deep wound in my heart. For weeks now, we've been answering countless emails and doing our best. But the bottom line is -we aren't counselors...but we want nothing more than to lead you to some powerful tools.

He Said:


Resources:

The Damage of Pornography:
Porn Nation(book)
Please read the first comment on this post by The Diaper Diaries from someone in the porn industry.

I Need Freedom from Pornography:
SexAddict.com (TONS of resources-excellent site)
Marriage:
Pure Intimacy-websites/resources from Focus on the Family
Your Marriage & Pornography-Christian author Sheila Wray Gregoire has several good articles

Counseling:
Database of counselors (zip code) recommended by Focus on the Family
Heart to Heart-counseling

Social Networking Safety Resources for your computers/phones:
If we left out a good resource, would you let us know so we can add it to this post? Also, feel free to ask questions any time.

(disclaimer: many of the books listed are Amazon affiliate links)

24 comments:

amber said...

thank you for writing this. My husband and I are fighting this battle right now. A question that has been on my mind is "Is is worth all this pain in the end" and how do i help him over come this.

Melissa said...

Avenue Resources has a great book & workbook for wives of men who struggle with sexual addiction and they have a series of workbooks for men to help them understand what's behind their addiction & how to overcome it.
XXXchurch has free software that emails an accountability parter with regular accountability reports. They also recently came out with an iPhone app to monitor mobile online usage.

Cindy said...

Thanks for this series and for your honesty.

I wanted to offer a recommendation for Pure Life Ministries, www.purelifeministries.org, specifically the book, "At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry." They offer many free resources on the Web site as well.

Jessica S. said...

Great Resources for helping others. Thank you for posting this. Earlier in our own marriage this was an issue, and before we got saved.

Although, we all know that this is a dilemma for anyone particular family, Christian or not.

Jolanthe said...

John Mandeville {singer/songwriter} was recently on the 700 club with a piece about this:

http://www.cbn.com/700club/features/amazing/Mandevilles011210.aspx

God has done an amazing work in his life since this happened too and John has written songs for a ministry focused called Somebody's Daughter ~ another great resource.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to echo Cindy's recommendations. www.purelifeministries.org is a wonderful website/ministry that offers resources, counseling, etc.
Also, the workbook "Walk of Repentance" and "At the Altar at Sexual Idolatry" by Steve Gallagher.

Amy said...

Can you tell me which software you have for your mac? I've had the hardest time finding something.

LeAnn * ~ See Great Things said...

What a fabulous post. At the last Woman's retreat I went to there were many women that sheepishly shared that this was an issue in their lives. I am going to bookmark this past. On a personal note, my husband battled with htis prior to our marriage, and he has to keep safeguards in place 20 years later. Great list of resources! Your awesome!

Melanie said...

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
God has given you a very important ministry, Kristen! Keep speaking the truth for Him. Ladies, you are not alone in this battle. Satan will tell you 'it's too hard', 'there's no hope', 'no one else has this problem', or 'there's something just wrong with your husband'. My marriage has survived this and it brought us to our knees before God Almighty. He is faithful to heal our wounds, even those we are too ashamed to show to anyone else.

Amber -- Yes, it is worth it. Your post spoke to my heart. I have been there and questioned whether or not there was any hope in this situation. God is your hope. Praying for you, sister. Wish I was there to give you a big hug and encourage you to seek God's face and pray for your husband. It's all we can do.

Shannon said...

So proud of you guys for your honesty. This post will help so many people--I'm bookmarking it to hold onto as a resource. Especially interested to see some of these safety filters for kids.

Emily said...

Thank you for your honesty. You are both bold and courageous, and because of it, many will benefit. Me and my family included.

Kristen said...

Hi Amber,
I've been thinking about your comment all morning (been away from my computer though) and I just wanted to say, "Yes, it is worth it." I think I battle hell itself in the fight for my marriage and I questioned the same thing too. It would be SO much easier to quit, start over. But I am very thankful that God gave me the grace to fight. Don't give up, okay?

Kristen said...

For our Mac, we use XXX Church and actually a great resource designed to keep kids safe called K9. Both seem to work well for us.

The Pinnt's said...

I am in tears. I need to thank you for your honesty. We are dealing with this too. It is so hard, and I feel like it's hopeless. I don't want to judge my husband, I know that makes him feel worse. I don't know what to do. I feel so insecure because of it, so alone. I don't want to leave, this isn't a deal breaker but I feel like we are at a standstill. It's something that comes up every few months with no resolution. He'll say he's done, vow to quit, and then it's an issue again. He doesn't want to talk to me about it and won't talk to anyone else. It just makes my heart hurt.

All that to say thank you, at least I know I am not alone. I'll look at all these resources and continue to pray. Would you say a pray for me too? Thank you.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Such an honest and raw post....

Marsha Fisher said...

Thanks for being willing to share your story. My husband and I have been on this journey as well. It is amazing what happens when we bring secret sins like pornography into the light.

Last year (almost two years into recovery) we started a website/blog to be a resource to other couples. I tried to email you the link directly, but don't have a Yahoo account as required (so it seems) and don't want to open one. www.porntopurity.com

Marsha

Mom of M&Ms said...

THis is awesome. My Hubby and I did the Love and Respect small group study with our fellowship group... IT is amazing how that word respect is so huge, and that we (as women) can not see beyond the love!!!!

Luke Gilkerson said...

Thanks for this list! Great stuff.

Kim said...

Just a few thoughts. Yes, Amber it is worth it. All the tears and pain (that still happen, mind you) are all worth it.
A book that I found very helpful was Hope beyond Betrayal. And a web site for wives is www.partnersforpurity.com.
Marsha, thank you and your husband for your blog. It was pasted to me by a friend of yours!

Bennett Family said...

Satan wants so much for our marriages to fail. He also wants for us to feel alone.
You are not alone, and your marriage is so worth is so worth fighting for! We are 7 years out and with a lot of hard work, tears and so much pain, we are in a good place. Praise God for His Grace and Mercy.
A resource that helped me personally, was "Every heart restored" The whole Every man series is good. The conference is even better.
A good counselor is essential as well.
tia

grace said...

Wow. Thank you for being so real

Chrissy said...

I know Focus on the Family has great counselors, but sometimes they are so far away from people who live in small towns. I hope a couple isn't discouraged if they find that the nearest one is 90 miles away! It's ok to find a closer, maybe local Christian counselor.

Linda Daniels said...

Thank you for being bold and stepping out with your struggles and your testimony! It is in the "light" that Christ can heal and set you free! There are so many people who need to know that there is freedom from this addiction! Shout it from the roof tops! My husband and I are about 9 years in our recovery and it is always something that needs to be guarded against. The Lord has given us a ministry to work with men (my husband) and I work with the women who's husbands struggle with this issue. We have lots of resources. The most recent that I found and love is L.I.F.E ministries: http://www.freedomeveryday.org. They have a LIFE guide book for spouses that is REALLY good!

God bless you and keep spreading the Word and the Truth!
Your sister and servant in Christ,
Linda :)

Rae said...

Thank you for putting this out in the open and being so honest with a topic that is hard to discuss. In the past year I discovered my husband is a sex addict. It has been a long year of trying to understand his pain, as well as working through my own. Your posts have been so helpful for us. I have a blog that women going through the same situation can connect with others: hopeforthejourneyblog. com