I'd like to apologize to a select group of readers for an oversight in yesterday's post.
In my attempt to be light-hearted in sharing my daughter's video, I wish I'd rephrased and included women who are struggling with infertility, struggling with becoming a mother. I should have clearly stated that we don't have the power to ultimately decide on how many children we have, or if we have any. This decision is God's because He is the author of life.
Please forgive me. I've walked the dark road you travel. I know the mourning you feel when your dream dies again each month. I know the grief of miscarriage.
I know the desire to become a Mother.
After around 2 years of marriage, my hubby and I, youth and children's pastors at the time, decided to start our family. In the early months, even the first year, there wasn't much disappointment. We were young, working and enjoying our time together. But when months turned to years, the disappointment turned to pain.
We didn't have insurance that covered infertility treatment, but we decided to pursue it anyway. It didn't take long after rounds of fertility drugs (which made me hysterically odd by the way), procedures and office visits to drain any extra money we had.
I learned to hate Mother's Day. I refused to attend baby showers. I rolled my eyes every time someone told me to relax and uttered a sarcastic quip when unwanted advice was given (a coffee enema, seriously?) I wept bitterly when a girl in our youth group got pregnant without being married. I was a mess.
I struggled with my identity. I felt like a failure.
My infertility consumed me. I lost myself in my journey to become a mother.
We decided to pursue adoption. We found a private Christian agency who offered pastors a discount. We had physicals, took HIV tests, and set out to prove that we would be good parents. We scraped together the initial fees, created a book to entice some young woman and we waited.
It was in those months of waiting (again), that God began to chip away at my bitterness. He lovingly reminded me that He was there in the midst of my pain and the unknown. It was during that time that He gave me the assurance that one day I would become a mother, either thru natural means or by the miracle of adoption.
I'll never forget the day we got a call from someone across the United States telling us about a three week old baby girl who needed a home.
I took a pregnancy test the same day. After years, it was positive for the first time in my life.
The adoption fell thru and I began the journey of pregnancy.
Years later I faced a miscarriage, a high risk pregnancy, a premature birth---all out of my control.
But that's what it's about, isn't it? Yielding the control to the One who controls it all.
For me, becoming a mother wasn't easy. I don't know why it was hard for me. I don't know why it's so hard for you. But I do know that you are not alone.