Tuesday

And This is Where I Hide in the Garage

I'm not good at keeping in touch.

Call it a character flaw.

As a matter of fact, I haven't stayed in touch with one high school friend.

And it doesn't even bother me.

(Don't look at the screen like that!)

I have a handful of friends I've stayed close to for the past 10 years (Hi Robin!) And that's good for me.

So, I pretty much ignored the first 3 emails I got from my high school alumni group asking me to update my information for our 20 year (holy moly!) reunion in 2010.

But then I got The Yellow Card in the mail saying I would be deleted from the directory if I didn't respond. And even though I don't care, I don't really want to cease to exist. Just in case I decided to join Facebook or something.

So, I decided to call while I was preparing dinner and had all three kids in the kitchen.

I like to use my brain like that.

As I'm confirming my address and my college degree, my 2 year old began shrieking to get out of her high chair.  I walked to the other room and tried to hear the woman's question.

The screaming ensued. I put the lady on hold and put my toddler on the floor. 

Full. Blown. Tantrum.

So, I did what any sane mother would do:  I shut the kids behind the baby gate (a.k.a. the safe part of the house) and went to the garage.

"What is your occupation? Do you work from home?" the lady asked.

Panic. Because this is where I need to pretend to be successful. "I'm a writer."

"Oh, really. Great, I'll put that under occupation. What do you write?"

Shoot.

"Various things." I said vaguely.

"There's a place for a URL," she pressed.

"I'm a blogger." I then proceed to give her the name of my blog, but I can't concentrate because I can hear my kids thru the garage door. The screaming is getting closer. 

They can smell my fear.

"We are THAT family.com" I spell out. 

"That sounds interesting," she responds. Oh, yes, that's one way to put it.

And then after I agree to wanting a copy of the directory, the lady kicks it up a notch and starts the sales pitch. In order to reserve my copy, I must pay at that exact moment. 

Knocking on the garage door begins.

"I can't right now. Can I call you back and pay later?" I beg.

The lady offers me "three more choices, payment plans, yadayadayada."

Banging.

"Really. I can't right now." I'm pleading, but I've still got my successful voice on.

"If this is a money issue...." she begins.

The door knob is turning and The Wailing has found me.

"Listen, it's not necessarily a money issue except that if I buy one, it will be the cheapest choice you offer. But I'm in my garage right now. I'm hiding from my hysterical children.  AND I DO NOT HAVE MY PURSE IN HERE and THERE IS NO WAY I CAN GO GET IT RIGHT NOW. OKAY?"

Successful voice has now been replaced WITH ALL CAPS VOICE.

"Oh. Yes. I see. You really are THAT family.  I hope you make a lot of money writing about your life."

Um, yeah. You would think.

64 comments:

Jen said...

I've been there too! Why does it always happen when it's not another mom on the other end of the line. She would understand!

JEWEL said...

I have been there (in the garage) before. I so understand. They have the timing down to the minute it seems.

Ashley @ mrs007.com said...

THAT is hilarious :) all of it really. I am especially feeling you on the behind the baby gate portion of the house.

I shut all of the bedroom/bathroom doors and let our almost 15 month old out to roam the house tonight and it was exhausting.

A "NO NO" fest. I finally figured out what she was saying when she pointed to the trash can. "No ma'am" So funny :)

and why is it that all heck breaks loose when we get on the phone?

ok longest comment ever.

Lisa@BlessedwithGrace said...

So funny. You write in an way that I can totally picture the whole situation. You are a good writer!

Robin said...

Laughing hysterically once again! And hi to you too! I feel so special being mentioned by name on your blog.

meg said...

LOVE it! Next time I'll try the garage....they seem to chase me around when I'm on the phone acting all crazy and stuff.

Veronica said...

Amazing what a phone call can do to children! They become wild animals! I can totally relate.

Muthering Heights said...

At least your kids were promoting your site...you just wouldn't seem like THAT family without chaos, right?

(And I'll bet she doesn't have kids, or she would have probably been a BIT more understanding!)

a Tonggu Momma said...

Did you ask her if she makes a lot of money making judgmental statements? Because I might have.

Kelly said...

Roars of laughter over here!
I run from my kids while I'm on the phone too! I'm scared of the day when they figure out those baby gates!!

Cheri-Beri said...

You always make me laugh. I especially like the "they can smell the fear" bit. So true . . . . so true.

julie said...

Laugh. This one cracked me up. I shut myself into the bathroom just the other day so I could try to finish a short call!

Joy said...

Wow, was she really that rude (*hoping she comes to read your blog and all these comments*)? Or did she say that in a funny way?

Lisa @ Stop and Smell the Chocolates said...

LOL! That is a perfect THAT family moment! Aren't you glad that you are a successful writer so you can document these things? :)

Blissful Babe said...

Oh my word that is so funny. I, too, use the garage as my phone call refuge. :)

Amber said...

Oh my gosh, that is the funniest thing!! I'm sure it wasn't at the moment {and I'm so sorry for that!} but now it's pretty dang good blogging material.

I love her answer. "Oh, you really are THAT family." That's priceless!

threeundertwo said...

So funny! I've absolutely done the garage thing too. I know that sense of panic.

Gigi said...

I had my first experience like that just today! I too was on the phone using my successful voice when my toddler (almost 2) started having a tantrum. So I picked her up, took her to her room and put her in her crib. Then I closed the door and resumed my conversation as I walked back to the kitchen. I wasn't out there more than one minute when I heard a thud and the door knob to the bedroom jiggling!

My daughter had tried, and somewhat succeeded to get out of her crib by herself for the first time! It's a good thing my phone call ended quickly and she was unharmed.

Anyway, I spent the rest of the afternoon looking for bunk beds online. Does this qualify me to be THAT family?

cheryl said...

I find the laundry room much more successful place to hide...probably b/c the boys know that if they dare enter into THAT room, I will give them socks to match up ( and NO ONE wants that job).haha.

JanMary said...

My preferred place of hiding (when communicating with the outside world)is in our ensuite bathroom.

P.S.He loves you.. said...

the places we run too..
just yesterday I was on two phones at once and the kids took total advantage of this situation..and both sides of the phones where laughing at me..I just thought "how crazy is this that even the callers are not under controll"..oh well..next time let's just hand the phone(s) to them (kids)..we will see whose laughing then..HA!

Jenny 867-5309 said...

Last night, while locked in the bathroom, I prayed "Lord, I need a better day tomorrow. Please send humor my way very early so I can dwell on that all day. PLEASE!"

That prayer has been answered (7am!!). Thank you.

Kristen@nosmallthing said...

Oh my this had me laughing, because I have SO been there...like every single day almost. Except I always try the laundry room, but you can still hear all the screaming and pounding on the door. When I tried the garage, my phone ceased to work.

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you.

Kristy K said...

Ohhhhhh.... this exact thing happened to me, except it was my college that was calling. I updated my info and said I was a SAHM. The kids were screaming in the background and the girl (a college student) asked me to donate to the alumni fund. I said "No, we're a one income family so I won't be donating." As the kids are beating on the door, she replies, "Well, okay... I hope life gets better for you soon." Click.

If only that poor college student realized that this might be her life one day...

PS I love your new look!

Stephanie said...

I had to laugh at this because it really describes me. I don't keep up with my high school friends either. I just recently joined facebook and maybe 1 or 2 of them found me. As for a hiding place, we don't have a garage so I lock myself in the bathroom. Sometimes it's the only way I can hear the person on the other end. But I have to be honest, I lost my successful voice years ago. And most of the time I just don't answer the phone when the kids are awake. Needless to say I don't get much adult conversation these days.

I really enjoy reading your blog. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in the world of THAT familyism (don't think thats a word and pretty sure it's not spelled right.) Have a great day.

Lucrecia said...

I hide in the study. The door has a lock - BUT the doors are glass. It is very hard to concentrate when your children are starting at you with THAT face!

Yarni Gras! said...

I used to hide in the closet! hahahahaha!

Liz said...

I hide in the bathroom....that way there is a lock on the inside of the door...if I tried to go hide in the garage my kids would probably lock me out and then stand on the other side of the door laughing at me while I beg them to open the door.....just a little warning to you ☺----hey, maybe being locked in the garage is not such a bad thing....as long as it's not too cold!

tidymom said...

Oh this is too funny! - My "spot" is in my bedroom closet! LOL

~Tidymom

Michelle said...

I gave you an award on my blog! Go check it out!

Lynn said...

You are too funny! I hide in the basement.

PamperingBeki said...

Haha!!!

I hide in the laundry room. The door doesn't lock, but no one ever thinks to look for me there.

By the way, I swiped your blog name for my post title today. I promise not to do it again. ;-)

Lisa said...

The garage...interesting. Next it will be the attic!!! I can so see that. Grab the ladder, pull it down, climb up, pull the ladder shut and hide away in the attic. You can do it...after all...you are THAT mom!

wegotspirit said...

You are AWESOME! We are all THAT one big happy family, aren't we?! Thanks for making it all seem funnier than it does at the time. :) I LOVE YOUR BLOG!

Amber @ ClassicHousewife said...

YOU are hilarious. YOU are the spice in the THAT family adventures.
If only we could score you a movie deal or something,...

MCC said...

I choose to hide in my closet. Behind the long dresses.

Jenn said...

Oh my goodness, LOL, I have been there SO many times. Somehow when you tell it, it is hilarious. But, when I'm in the middle of it, I just break out in a sweat and have heart palpatations!

PastorMac's Ann said...

I have totally done that! Gone in the garage to get away from the kids so I could talk on the phone. Of course, for me it would be the co-pastor's wife who was hearing my kids banging on the door crying for me.

Karen said...

hahahaha! Too funny. The only time I EVER ran into anyone from high school was when I just ran out to get some milk, and didn't comb my hair or put on shoes. OR, my kids were filthy from just riding in the car and had snot hanging down to their upper lip and I had nothing to wipe their noses with. It ALWAYS happens just that way.

Valarie Lea said...

Ya know I have often wondered why it is that my children tend to be relative angels, THAT is until I get on the phone. Then all H E double hocky sticks breaks loose.

Tales From the Eurovan said...

Oh yeah, been there and done that only usually it's the bathroom with the door locked while the kids bang on it and try to magically make the door open by yanking on the door knob!

Love the look of the blog!
Take care,
Julie

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

Great post! I usually lock myself in the bathroom. Almost never works, so why do I try it so often?!

Mrs. Nurse Boy

Poppyseed said...

Oh my gosh! You just crack me up! My four-year-old has appointed herself as the phone answer girl at my house so I've been trying to train her to answer only calls from people that she can speak to (ie, Daddy, Nanny, Grammy). However, she now wants to speak to everyone I call and will not take no for an answer. I feel like such a goof running around my house being chased by a child who keeps saying, "I want to talk!" while shaking my head "NO!" and giving her the Mom stare. Thank heaven the person on the other end of the line can't see me!

Patois said...

Ha ha ha!

Stacey said...

I can totally relate! You handled it so well. =)

I hope you will consider going to your reunion. I had my 20 year last year and had not gone to the previous reunions and considered this one no differently. As well I do not stay in touch with my former classmates. At the last minute I decided to go and I was so glad that I did. It was so much fun!!! =)

Shannon said...

Laughing so hard! that would be me except since I don't have a garage I am usually locked in the bathroom and one or more are pounding/whining/screaming at the door.

The Mrs. said...

I bet she logged right on to your website...

What high school did you go to that you have a lady taking down information for a reunion directory? Must have been bigger than my lil'country, class of 42 graduates - high school.

I skipped my ten year reunion--the excuse was that I was moving to Texas, but I had ZERO desire to go!

Kasey Hunt said...

This is so funny. I lock myself in the bathroom sometimes when I"m on the phone. I can't believe you have to pay to be kept on the records.

Happy Mommy said...

That is so funny! I try and hide sometimes too, it never works!
I like your new look around here!

Chris said...

You're dead on... my two boys seem to multiply each time I pick up the phone... I swear it seems like six!

Thanks for making my life seem hilariously normal.

Chris said...

You're dead on... my two boys seem to multiply each time I pick up the phone... I swear it seems like six!

Thanks for making my life seem hilariously normal.

Julia @ Hooked on Houses said...

Oh, my gosh, too funny. This made me laugh out loud.

Apparently I'm behind on my blog reading because I hadn't seen your new look! Love it! Really like that old-timey typewriter and the silhouettes. Oh, and the keyboard keys you used in the sidebar are way cool, too. I was so surprised when I stopped by at first--thought I clicked the wrong link! :-)

Life In Progress said...

I have done that - hidden in the garage while talking on the phone. I'm glad to know I'm not alone!

Heather of the EO said...

Oh my...
you just made my day.
sorry...
but it was really funny stuff.

Tree Climbing Mom said...

You know they train 'em to do that in the hospital nursery, right? There's a whole session on ways to create a riot while your mother's on the phone. Thanks for the laugh!

D... said...

LOL! I adore you so very much!

Jeanette said...

I never thought of the garage. I was usually in a closet or a bathroom. The garage would have worked! Sure, now you tell me :}

Cara said...

LOL! I try to go to the bathroom to get away but the 2 year old has now learned how to turn the knobs.

Tammy said...

You are just so funny. I am a wee bit jealous that these things happen to you and never to me. Which, I guess, is why you are THAT family and I am not. :-)

Vanessa said...

LOVE IT! We all need a good place to hide sometimes. I have been known to hide in my car....only when my husband is home and can wrangle with our brood! FUNNY STORY.....you should get paid. Maybe an article in the Sunday edition of Dallas Morning News or something. Just a thought.

LilBear said...

Hahahaha...Oh, if you only knew how many times my calls ended up in the garage! The last time, hubby opened the door and said "What are you doing? It's freezing out here." Oops!

Michelle said...

I got a new ipod for Christmas. Mine has been broken for over a year and I never got into using it. Today I had a brilliant idea I would listen to my ipod while folding laundry upstairs. And even better I can't hear my kids! It is so nice to escape to your own little world. Too bad they chased you down!

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

HA! Glad I'm not the only one who does this, except my garage isn't attached so I hide out in the bathroom. Let me tell you, its not nearly as successful. They pretty much just follow me. Dang.

Angela Fehr said...

Classic! I don't have a garage so I hide in the bathroom if a phone call turns ugly. Recently there was an incident with a tantrum-prone 4 year old and a phone call to the Canada Revenue Agency (tax man!). It was some of the most noteworthy screaming I have ever heard from that particular child.