Wednesday

*DO NOT TRY THIS*

(To all those wordless viewers, please forgive the um, words.  I tried.  I did.)

As I'm sure you've surmised if you've read my blog at all, it is chocked full of parenting tips.

This is not easy, people.

It takes a considerable amount of research to bring you such helpful hints. I mean wouldn't you rather me accidentally glue my baby's lips with Super Glue, so I can tell you how to unglue them? Or perform The Heimlich Maneuver on 2/3 of my children in the same month as a life saving example?

I'm here to serve you.

So, here's my latest 'WHAT NOT TO DO' PARENTING TIP:

My toddler is in what I call the Patio stage. If a public place does not have a patio, we do not go. She's a bundle of energy and truly prefers disobedience over obedience in most instances.

Yeah. I'd appreciate the prayer.

The other day she kept pulling rocks from the fireplace. I guess they were tasty, because she enjoyed munching on them-


I kept telling her no, redirecting, tapping her little hand. So, she got the hint and moved to this:



I changed her filthy clothes, before 9 a.m. mind you, and she started doing this:



So, I did what all good parents would do. I mean, she's my third child. I'm experienced.

I gave her this, as a distraction.


It worked. She played with my cell phone for an eternity in toddler time- 4 minutes.

And then she went back to pulling rocks out of the fireplace, eating dirt and hanging precariously from the chair.

I'm all about being consistent: consistently screaming NO! Stop! Get down, NOW! And then I started an audible countdown to nap time.

Here's the tip: DO NOT GIVE YOUR CHILD A CELL PHONE AS A DISTRACTION. E-ver.

Yeah, cause in the middle of all that great parenting, she called the Pastor of our church. On his day off. Seriously. His family got to hear me in my finest moment.

I'm thinking there won't be any offers to teach a parenting class at church any time soon.

Just a hunch.

For more great tips that actually don't work, check out WFMW and for some great photos that don't have words, visit 5 Minutes for Mom.

95 comments:

P.S. He loves you... said...

ROTFL!

This tops my experience with my MIL on the other line as my dd got ahold of my cell on a not so good day..fortuntly I liked her then and wasn't talking smack!

LOL still too funny!

Tell the Pastor it was the meds talking!

BTW ~ she is cute!!!! And I'm biased about my own kids!

Janel said...

Ohmigosh, that is just hysterical! I am so sorry it happened to you, but so funny for us to read!

Cutie pie she is, indeed!

Janel said...

Oh, so glad you got your package!
Sorry it took so long. Crazy couple weeks.

Robin said...

Oh no! I sure hope that never happened to me and I just didn't know it! Though I was having a "private conversation" with my husband once, had previously called a friend and thought I hung up...only to realize her voicemail was recording.

(red cheeks followed!)

:)

The Apron Queen said...

Way too funny! :D I just feed my kids chocolate for distraction. Seems to backfire on me, more often than not.

Domestic Spaz said...

LOL! We've all been there. And if your pastor has children he has been, too. :)

carrie said...

wow, that sounds like so many days at my house. Minus the cell phone since I don't have one at home. But the dangling and diverting one disaster after another? oh yeah.

are you just exhausted? I am.

nottryingforaboy said...

Too funny!

And lookie you #1 in Mr Linky. Way to go!

Valarie said...

at least she didn't call 911 ;)

Jen @ JenuineJen said...

Too funny. It could be much worse. I know of 2 such terrible incidents with friends of mine. Both incidents are with adults and not children.

1. A wife clicks her call waiting and thinking she is talking to her husband, goes on a tirade about her MIL. She was talking to her MIL not her husband. They are divorced now.

2. A husband thinks he hangs up the phone from a call with his wife and goes off on her to the passenger/co-worker in his car. He did not hang up. The wife overheard it all. Coincidently, they are now divorced now too.

I do not know if the cell phone mishaps caused the divorce but I am pretty sure they did not help the marriage.

Hopefully your pastor has children and knows that we all have our days.

Marcy said...

Again another story so funny you could not make it up. Reminds me of the Theater Production of Best Little WHorehouse in Texas I did in college. OPening night- my pastor was in the FRONT ROW. Talk about uncomfortable....I am pretty sure your pastor is never ever suposed to see you in a garter belt. In fact I am certain.

I am digging for tomorrows photo...

thediaperdiaries said...

My husband keeps his phone in his back pocket and sometimes accidently, what we affectionately call, "butt dials" me. And then it is like having an intercom into his life. Thankfully he is trust worthy and I haven't heard anything inappropriate. But it does make for some interesting eavesdropping.

Mycrazylife said...

Oh but she's sooo cute!

And here's my parenting tip...set the phone to lock mode and she can play until her wittle heart is content. How do you think I have made it through the last two years? That cell phone is handy I tell you.

Katie said...

LOL!!!! Oh man.. that would be doubly bad for me since our pastor is also my father-in-law!

I agree with the other commenter, thank goodness it wasn't 911

The (Almost) Amazing Mammarino said...

That was stinkin' HILARIOUS!!!!! Your post made my day!

Your little one sounds a busy as my 2-year-old. She wears me out!

Your kids are adorable!

Owlhaven said...

Oh, dear, how very embarassing!

Mary, mom to many

Kelly - PTT said...

That is very funny - oh man!

Tiff said...

LOL!!! Hey my son called 911 from the elevator once. I guess i gave him my cell phone one too many times!

Melanie said...

She looks soooo cute though.

I've given my toddler my cell phone as a distraction too- and she's made a few calls. Thankfully only to my mom and my hubby!

Elaine A. said...

Oh but she's SO cute hangin' on that chair in her little dress!

Can't you lock the keys on that phone? You might wanna do that next time! : )

Shannon @ Gabi's World said...

LOL! LOL! LOL! That was a riot!

Kelsey Smith said...

OH MY GOSH too funny!!!!

Angie said...

Oh wow! How horrible! Tip noted -- do not give out my cell phone for fear of being ratted out by my own rantings.

col @ gigablonde :: things to do in ny when you're [not] dead said...

I love your stories :)

Hugs, hugs and more hugs,
Colleen

Rachel said...

Love it!! The pictures are fabulous and everyone needs a good 'oops, I did it in front of the Pastor' story.

Mommy Mechanics said...

Oh boy church on Sunday is gonna be real embarrassing. Too funny. Cute Pics!

Lisa said...

Oh, I am laughing...WITH you, of course!! That is great - thanks for sharing. Makes the rest of us not feel so alone! :)

Becky said...

I actually enjoy being the one to eavesdrop into the accidental phone call...there have been times I waited for 15 minutes to see if I would get wind of any good gossip. ;)

Not like I have laundry to do or anything.

And my one question to you is why do you have the pastor of your church programmed in your cell phone?

I guess that seems odd to me since my church has 12,000 members and even though I have been there for 18 years, he has never given me that number. HAHAHAHA

Dang, I'm not important after all!

marky said...

LOL.. You couldn't possibly make that up!
Thanks for the tip! LOL

Mandy said...

oops!! That's too funny. I am still laughing. :)

Liisa said...

That is too funny! My son called the police once when he was wee. He used to call our phone his "puter" and push the buttons. I guess he decided to pick up the reciever and pushed the preset button for the police. When I finally noticed and grabbed the reciever I was treated to quite a lecture by the officer on the other end!

Blessings,
Liisa

onemoreequalsfour said...

That is hysterical! I have what I thought was an unnatural fear of someone hearing my motherhood rants. It seems the thought is not so outrageous! I appreciate the way you sacrifice and do the field research to help out us other mommies!

The Happy Housewife said...

Too funny! I had this happen where someone called me (unknowingly) and was spanking her kids and everyone was screaming and crying. I never told her because I thought it would she would be so embarrassed you wouldn't talk to me ever again!
Toni

Kelly said...

I've done that. The slobber from the child, rendered the phone useless. Happy WW

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Could have been SO much worse. You could have accidentally rolled onto your cell phone during a "husband and wife moment." Your pastor could have heard a loss worse than just you raising your voice. Well, maybe you do that during those "moments" as well!

Hallie :)

Dawn said...

Very funny!!! (Mostly because it didn't happen to ME, of course.)

My kids are well beyond the toddler stage. However, as recently as last summer we found out my two (one a teen the other almost a teen) had been making random prank phone calls. "But, Mom! No one will know it's us!" Um, excuse me? Have you not heard of caller ID?? They know now.

Buncha Blue-Eyed Monkeys said...

oopsie! been there...

Carol Van Rooy said...

Funny, we just bought our son a shirt with the top 10 ways to keep your sister quiet. No where did it speak of crazy glue... huh?!?

NUMBER TEN: DUCT TAPE.

Niki said...

oh wow! how embarrassing!

I remember when mine was at that stage...ugh.

:)

Tara said...

Oh my! That is causing riotous laughter over here. Our toddler plays with the cell phone all the time. Like, literally, every single day. Multiple times.

Fortunately, my phone has a key guard that I activate, but she has still managed to call her dad, both of her aunts and my 85-year-old Grandma, all before 7 am. Fortunately, she hasn't called 9-1-1 or anything. I count my blessings.

Tonya said...

Funny! I've had days like that though my child called grandma so it was no big deal. I'm so good I didn't even know it until she called me back!

Christie O. said...

Oh my is right!!! There is no question that would happen to me!

My mom made the mistake of giving my son her cell phone to play with. 60 bucks in international phone calls later -- she won't be doing that again.

HAHA! Oh the lessons we learn..so much fun!

Momala said...

Too funny!

WorldsGreatestMommy said...

I was going to say, we gave our daughter the cell phone thiking that the keypad was locked. When we got our next bill, there were international charges to China.
She did have fun, though.

Shannon said...

lol ! too funny .

Suzie said...

Oh no that is too funny!

Michelle said...

HA! That is SO funny!
And she is such a little cutie!
Michelle

Amanda Eck said...

oh my goodness!! I soooo am laughing at that! I am so glad Im not the only one who has those days. I spent my morning cleaning up purple marker from my son, the TV, the carpet, the wall, the glass table and Madeleines baby stroller oh and a Dora the Explorer book :-)

Runningamuck said...

Okay, that's hilarious, but ONLY because it wasn't my child, me yelling and my pastor on the phone! Yikes! I think all parents of toddlers should only buy the cellphones that have the button "locking" ability. Course, I always forget to enable it before I hand it over.... oops!

Thanks for sharing. =0)

Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity said...

i wish i would've known you sooner... i could've told you this and avoided ti all together... :D

Heather J. said...

But she's so fricking cute.....Just wait until she can really talk back!

Colleen said...

That is SO me right now. My son loves my cell, too. Thank God for the man who decided to put a "key lock" shortcut on my phone. And mine is a cheapie so I don't care if he drops it 52,000 times while in Wal-Mart. I mean, its good exercise, right? ;o)

She's such a cutie!

DeAnna said...

I love it!!!!! Life is just NEVER dull is it?! I know with my own kids I will be doing well if they each live past the ripe ole' age of 10 without me killing them first. LOL!

JoAnn said...

Just hilarious! I have one just like that. He's 14 months old and is currently standing on the dining room chair rocking it (it isn't a rocker). He loves the phone too. Fortunately, he's very good about handing things over to me when I tell him too. We decided that if he's going to act like he's 2, we'll treat him like he's 2...so he already knows time out.

Good luck. I know some days are harder than others.

Toni said...

That is truly good stuff!

The McCanns said...

My cellphone got destroyed by the slobber monster! It still worked, but the ear piece got so wet you coultn't hear out of it anymore. Hmmm. this reminds me of my next WFMW tip...tbc

Darla said...

Oh.my.gosh...snorting, sputtering...that's TOO GOOD! Bwahahahahhahahah Oh my.

I mean...errr....so sorry to hear you are having such a rough time of the toddler stage.

*anxiously awaiting another story*

The Van Fam said...

Oh my word...laughing hysterically!!

That wouldn't happen to be a dixie cup of grass planted by a preschooler would it??

Bahama Shores Mama said...

Favorite tip of the day!

We had a similiar experience, but can't even blame the baby. My husband has a blue tooth and it was in his pocket as he was discipling two of our kids. He must have accidently pushed send and it called a work colleague of his. I was (still am) mortified, but he's fine with it!

I'll have to bookmark you now and come and read more antics! Thanks.

Dawn said...

In response to your comment on Valarie's blog:

http://www.sweetberryfarm.com/

Again, not sure where you are in Texas. It is a big state and you might be an 8 hour drive from this. If so... sorry! ;-)

One Mom, Five Kids said...

Yup - can totally relate. I know I have learned, what seems like a good idea at the time, I'm wondering later WHY? Why did I ever think that was a good idea? And I am not so proud to say, it seems this is a repeated learning lesson.

Anyways - love your audible countdown to naptime. I acutally have a song I sing twice a day when it's close to nap time or night night time.

Carey said...

That is so funny.

Auds at Barking Mad said...

Aren't toddlers fun?!?!? Amazes me to this day, that ANYONE who is aware that you have a toddler and stay home with said child can think that stay at home moms, OF TODDLERS do NOTHING all day!

I don't know what I'd do without the ONE day a week the Little Imp is in Montesorri. I'd probably be sitting somewhere in a corner rocking back and forth, drooling all over myself whilst the impish one continues to pull out the cat's whiskers, de-leaf the spider plant, and toilet paper my entire house....

BTW, we do the audible countdown to naps as well. Tis a pity though that the impish one has already lerned the eyerolling trick...most probably from her teenage sister.

LifeatTheCircus said...

I truly enjoy your posts each and every day and am convinced you must be sick of my comments by now, BUT, that has got to be one of my all time favorites of your posts. I can just feel the sick to your stomach feeling you must have gotten when you realized it was your pastor on the other end. I only hope your pastor has small children as well and can understand those moments. Way to keep it real!!

Borski and Nai said...

lol..

i really do enjoy reading your posts..haven't been here for quite some time..i am back..and enjoying your posts..thanks..

Happy not-so-wordless wednesday! :)

twin power mommy said...

i feel for you. My son LOVES his papa's cell phone. We give it to him, but are careful to watch how long he plays with it and who he's accidentally dialing.
We've found some pretty odd pictures on the camera (phone). The boy's face up close, the boy's hand, the boy's nose, the ceiling, the floor, the list goes on...

Laura Cockrell said...

I can relate! My cell phone always ends up in some body of water when my toddler has it! The dog bowl, the toilet, the bathtub. Those rock and dirt pictures look like they could have been taken with our camera!

Morning Rose said...

LOL! Once when I was dissecting a chicken, our pastor called. I told my older son (about 7 years old at the time) to answer the phone, thinking it was my hubby. Our son kept saying things like, "Hi bobby. It's me." (The kids call their dad bobby. Don't ask.)

I finally realized that it wasn't my hubby on the phone and had my son hold the phone to my ear while my hands were full of chicken grease. When I realized it was our pastor, I apologized right away and said I would call him back. What must our pastors think?! :)

Marni Tiani Self said...

That's HILARIOUS!!!! I LOVE your work. LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

imadramamama said...

LOL! That's awesome.

That's like a nightmare come true!

Amber (Bringing Good Home) said...

LOL! My middle child has called 911 on more than one occasion. Even with the keys locked you can still press and hold 9 and it will call - I realize this is for our ease and safety in the midst of a true emergency. I was not aware, however, that my phone(s) would do this until she figured it out. Of course.
And as I was taking the phone away from her and admonishing her for whatever she was doing I faintly heard:
"Ma'am? Ma'am?"
(Inner panic) "OH. UM. Yeah... my 2 year old had the cell phone - sorry! No real emergency here, ahem."
Actually the first time I saw it ringing and hung up as quickly as I could. THEY CALLED BACK.
The second was the conversation above.
The third I played it cool, waiting for them to answer and then politely explained that I had handed my two year old the phone while I was buckling her in, and even though it was locked she managed to press and hold the 9 key, and I was deeply sorry for the disturbance since I know that are busy with real emergencies and all. :P

Blue Castle said...

Oh that was hilarious! I feel bad for laughing at your expense, but that just made my day. :)

Happy Mommy said...

Daisy did her teething on my cell phone one day, and she broke it!!!! I have learned that one the hard way too!

Gotta GROW with it said...

you've got to be kidding! i'd have a hard time not thinking that the pastor was REALLY looking at me in his next sermon! pretty cute kiddo you have there!

mommypie said...

BAHAHAHA! Key LOCK button, Mama, Key LOCK! (That was my only saving grace ...)

Miss Erica said...

Although the lock button is great for older kids, for younger it doesn't mean much... my friend and her husband both had to replace their phones because of water damage. Not because their daughter put it in the toilet, or ran the hose on it, but because she drooled so darn much. Ouch.

Kim said...

Thanks for the laugh Kristen! My 3 year old called a co-worker last week and left a 10 minute voice mail message. I hope your day got better!

Mindy Said said...

Hilarious!!!!!

Shauna said...

Are you sure you arent living my life? I think you are. Really!

Kim said...

I seriously laughed at your pain...in fact, I think I'm still laughing...
yup, still going...

Kim @ What's That Smell?

Grafted Branch@Restoring the Years said...

I never feel good about laughing at someone I've just "met," but I can't help it! That is just toooo horrible. Bly funny. Horribly funny.

Megan said...

Are you sure you're not talking about my 1 year old? Except he's a crazy boy instead of a crazy girl? And he climbs the stairs instead of the chair? And he EATS my phone - yes eats, and breaks the screen - when I surrender and let him play with it?

Yeah. I feel you. Good stuff. :-)

Golightly said...

Very Cute! I love your blog! heck, my wordless Wednesdays are never wordless either.

Leah said...

You are hysterical! I laugh out loud all the time reading your blog. Thank you for lightening up my day a bit by sharing your life with us! And thanks for the tips...I have replaced 2 cell phones now from toddler DROOL (cell phones also do not make good teething toys). First time shame on them...second, shame on me!!!!

Blessings to you!
Leah

Faerie Mom said...

OMG! Too good! I am soooo glad no one has ever gotten to hear me intose moments! You must have been embarassed, huh? LOL

Your girl sounds like my boys! Into everything and hard to redirect. It makes for a fun time by all.

Alexia said...

You're post (and the super glue post) made me laugh like no other blog post has! You've earned a place on my blogroll and I'm subscribing to your blog!

(I've always been afraid that my son will call China on my phone...I guess now I know it will be the pastor ROFL)

Halfmoon Girl said...

Oh, I found you today through Gotta Grow With It. Love what I have read already. My two littlest upended a grocery cart in the local pharmacy today- I understand not feeling adequate. I love the your story here- so funny!

Cathy/ Mommy Motivation said...

oh gosh. You are always good for a laugh. I mean, a er 'tip'. :)
You know why this post is so popular with us mommies, don't you? Other than that we love to talk, I mean share. We've been there!

Have you ever thought of a forum? Or a kind of place for your bloggie readers to hang out and meet each other?

No? Okay. I can't help myself: my cell phone story: When all else fails, I too have given my child my cell phone (at least I was in the grocery store):) My toddler is calling every man in the grocery store "daddy!" I'm thinking - "Ah, isn't that cute? She misses her daddy." (who's away on business - out of town - long distance - not including air time - get it?)

Yup, it took 3 phone calls to daddy before he got ahold of me - at some point she must have hung up on him, and he managed to get through to me. Lesson learned. Well, not really. I learn the hard way...

Mom to 5...Daughter of the King said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mom to 5...Daughter of the King said...

Oh my goodness!! I literally laughed out loud. You see, I am a pastor's wife AND have five kids, three of whom are 4,4, and 3!! Thank you for the smile! I will so be back!!

Good & Crazy said...

Wow, could have been 911 eh?

I love the eating rocks part. I really love it. (mine is kinda past that, so good luck).

My Inspired Heart said...

Oh My Goodness! This is so funny to read...I'm sure it was not so funny for you in the moment, though. I just found your blog and it is great! I'll be back to read some more :)

Earthmommy said...

OK that's just hilarious! Maybe next time try an old dead cell phone? My 3-year-old has her own phone (an old dead one) and loves it. LOL.

Mom said...

Love the picture story --- and the grand finale...

Did your pastor have anything to say about his impromptu phone call?

My dad is a minister. I can just imagine something like that happening to him.

Thank you for the much needed giggles.

www.momstop.blogspot.com

ed said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.