Friday

I've Been Replaced

I have been replaced.  My pain runs deep, people.


Very deep.

There's something new in my hubby's life.  Something that has come between us.



Do you understand the betrayal that I feel?

I have always been the back scratch er.    I have stopped mid-sentence to accommodate my hubby's profound itch, for years.  My activities have been redirected when his cry for a good scratch was heard. 

I heeded the call.  

I married him knowing he had itchy issues.  I saw past them.  I manicured my nails with him in mind.  It is the sole reason I keep my trim nails lengthy.

Only to be replaced by a skinny, newer back scratcher?  A replica of the real thing?

Give me a moment to compose myself.

*SNIFF*  *BLOW*  *WIPE*

Thank you.

He bought this replacement on a whim.  I'm sure it was brought home out of desperation when I was out of town.  I don't think he sought her out on purpose.  He was weak.  She preyed on that weakness.

Oh, he says, "You're the only one, baby."  And he even pretends to enjoy my scratching.

But I know there is other back scratching going on.  I can feel it.  I've even caught him a time or two.  There was always some excuse . . . like a jagged nail or an irritating cuticle. 

I have found solace knowing my children still enjoy my gift.  Up until now, they have resisted the wooden enemy.

And then, my son brought this home from the school treasure box:


My pain knows no limits.

26 comments:

Heather J. said...

Well now you have sort of a set...

Don't dispair,when they break, they'll be back...those things never last. (or whatever you wantto tell yourself, to get through the night.)

Child of the King! said...

I think they are trying to tell you something?

LOL!

Dawn :0)

Michelle Hix said...

He'll be back...there's no better sensation than an itch being scratched by human fingers! (okay, maybe there's one)

The Fritz Facts said...

Those will never last, don't worry. They always come crawling back in the end.

Just remember, you will always be the first and last.

Valarie said...

I'm sure those cheap imitations wont last very long. Hey maybe they will mysteriously disappear.

Jenileigh said...

LOL! You are such a trip!

The give away I'm hosting is up! Please come by and join in!

Domestic Accident said...

Oh, Kristin, this will just give you more time to soak in the tub. Or mop the floor. Whatever.

Auds at Barking Mad said...

Men and fake stuff...I'll never understand it. Not when they have the real thing, right in front of them! *lol*

THopgood said...

I don't know...to those who commented that they never last...my hubby has had his mistress for over 4 years now. =)

Your hubby will come around...he'll learn soon enough that there's no replacement for a woman's nails.

Suzie said...

Too cruel too cruel

Toni said...

One woman's treasure... I actually tried to get my husband to use one of those. Every night "Scratch my back..."

Hey, congrats on your 5 minutes article! Love that post. I have had dentist issues similar to yours in the past. I have managed to make the move to a new denist when necessary but I always go in thinking they will be thinking the worst.

Mrs. Annie said...

I am just laughing and laughing over here!

Jaybird said...

I'd think he'd get BOARD with her and come BACK, PINING for you and your digits. Then again, maybe he's just BRANCHING out and then you'll be STUMPED.

Andrea said...

I'm the head scratcher in our relationship. One time he did but one of those head scratchy things they were selling at the mall and was very disspointed because he had to do it himself. No gratification. Maybe you hubby will soon learn the truth!

Crystal said...

Congrats on your 5 min article. You really are a Super Star Blogger!! Way to go!! And thanks for your comments on my blog, you're a real encouragement!!

Robin said...

I might have to get my hubby one of those. My nails don't scratch very well now. I have to keep my nails really short for the violin.

Congrats on your moment of fame! Very cool!

Morning Rose said...

I saw your article at 5 Minutes for Mom. Very funny! We have dentist issues here too. :)

My hubby bought a back scratcher at the Mall of America for $1. I don't mind it. One less thing on my to-do list. :)

Marni Tiani Self said...

You crack me up! I also LOVED your article on 5minutesformom.com.

GO YOU!!!

marky said...

LOL..I am so sorry for your pain and suffering!

VE said...

Funny. You know those scratchers will never disagree either and they don't mind if he watches sports all day...

Miss Erica said...

I, too, have been replaced. By the same one your hubby has. Can I tell you a secret? I've grown to appreciate his new little friend and the newfound freedom my fingernails have. It took a while...but may you get there, too.

TONYA said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TONYA said...

I too was replaced by that little wooden 'itchy back scratcher' but just like Miss Erica above I now have FREEDOMG. However if he thinks that he's going to be replaced by some form of massager he's sorely mistaken, there will be no freedom for his hands :)

Mrs. Brownstone @ XBOX Wife said...

Oh, yes! I'm the official back scratcher in the Brownstone household.


Where can I get one?? :)

Faerie Mom said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I am the official back scratcher at my house. But I want one of those for myself.... DH just can't seem to understand that I need him to grow his nails so that he can scratch MY BACK! LOL

lori said...

I was replaced a few years back....by a CHOPSTICK!! oh well...
I still occasionally still have to 'do it'....no chopsticks in the car yet!
lori