Friday

I Need a Moment

Well.  It's Friday.  


I'm not here.

No, really.  I'm at the hospital. Right now.

I've been dreading this day for a couple of weeks.  Not because I'm in a health crisis or because 
I'm undergoing some MAJOR surgical operation.  

I've been dreading it because I'm a baby.

Yep, pretty much, a whiny, low-pain tolerance, ninny.

I've canceled this procedure twice.  I don't like i.v.'s.  I don't like hospitals.  I don't like general anesthesia.  

I've alluded to my last pregnancy.  It was a nightmare that Satan created in a dark corner of Hell.  (And I'm holding back here). I've had a few post-pregnancy related problems and my 
doctor decided to remove the lining of my uterus.  

Permanently

I didn't even wince when my husband had surgery last year to stop all future children from arriving.  I welcomed his pain.

Yet knowing that this procedure makes it impossible for my womb to sustain another child, made me cry.

I've been dreading it because there will be no more babies.

I knew this a year ago, but it feels real.  Today.

Don't get me wrong, We are THAT family, we do not need more children.  We have plenty of chaos and laundry, thank you very much.

I think it's all just wrapped up in my womanhood.  (First time I've ever said that).  I am honored to be a woman, even with all the hormone surges and chocolate cravings.  I am so glad God gave me children, there was a time when I didn't think they would come from my own womb.  It didn't matter, either way, God chose me to be a Mom.  

Their mom.  

And well, it's time to close my womb.  And that makes me feel a little weepy.

Photobucket

Food for the Soul:
Isaiah 44:24  "This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, who formed you in the womb: I am the LORD, who has made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens, who spread out the earth by myself."

59 comments:

Valarie said...

Oh, this makes me weepy! Prayers going out to you that you have comfort in both the pain area and the fact that you are closing your womb. I also pray that everything will go fine and you will be back on your feet in no time.

Much love and prayers!

Valarie

Mum-me said...

It is hard when faced with the absolute finality of it.... no more babies ever. I do know how you feel as I've been there too.

Praying it all goes well for you.

marky said...

I prayed for you this a.m. Kristen..I understand. I had that same proceedure done a few years ago. I had 4 c-sections and a ruptured womb, and heart conditions, etc etc. I was truly blessed to have the 4 I had, HOWEVER, once I knew I couldn't do it again, I cried too.
BTW..for me the procedure was a breeze, I held a yard sale the next day. Hope your recovery is quick!

P.S. He loves you... said...

Take care and heal up fast as we need your daily posts! Yes this means "lifting a finger around here":D

Your attitude is right! There's nothing good about going through any of this, but on the "bright side" you can get pampered from this and "milk it for all it's worth!"

*Believing that when we come into the Pearly Gates we will be completely transformed/restored even better, into brand new bodies! WOW~ no more dieting! NO more hospital visits! Who knows maybe a babe or two...handed to us to care and raise and nuture, wouldn't that be awesome!*

Peace to you~

onemoreequalsfour said...

Good luck! You are in my prayers today! Although I cannot relate to how you are feeling procedure wise, I understand! I KNOW we do not need any more children and yet each time Baby passes a milestone I feel such immense sadness that this will be the last time I experience that as a mom! Take it easy and know tons of folks are thinking of you today!

P.S. He loves you... said...

*nurture*

Happy Mommy said...

I know the sadness you are feeling today! But God did choose You, to be you children's mother,and he will continue to bless your family as you follow him! He will be protecting you today! I am praying for you. I wish we lived in TX I would bring you a big old casserole and a sheet cake, of corse some sweet tea too!

Carol Van Rooy said...

Good luck!!! I pray you recover soon.

Dawn said...

I prayed for you this morning and will continue to do so until you tell us to stop! I know your exact emotions. I had a complete hysterectomy three years ago when I turned 40. Never mind we had decided several years prior that we were finished having children. Never mind that I was 40. I think it's just that we are women, meant to mother and that the decision was no longer going to be *mine*. However, it was the best health decision I ever made and pray that this will be for you, too, and that pain will be minimal.

PS - I do live in Texas (the Austin area) and if you're close and don't mind the help of a complete stranger, let me know!!!

Sister Honey Bunch said...

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

Michelle Hix said...

Whoa! This is a big deal. I didn't even know they could remove "just" the lining. I hope you feel better soon and especially in time for Mother's Day.

Kelli said...

I'm reasonably new her, but praying. I went through this exactly 65 years ago last Thanksgiving and it was rough.

Take it easy when it over. Don't rush to heal. There is a great website called HysterSisters that helped me tremendously with support.

Know you are being held up in prayer.

Vicki said...

May you find comfort in His healing arms. And take as long as you need to recover, which I'm sure includes lots of indulgences like chocolate, etc.

THopgood said...

I had the exact same procedure done 3 years ago....I'm assuming your talking about the endometrial ablasion. I also had a difficult time with the finality of it. I knew I didn't want any more kids but knowing that I COULDN'T have any more kids made me grieve a little.

On the flip side...I gotta tell you, you won't regret it. It was the best darn thing I've ever done. I haven't had a period in 3 years! It's marvelous.

The Fritz Facts said...

Oh hun...it will be ok. I got a little weepy with you, so you are not alone.

I am keeping you in my head today.

Kim said...

I'll send up a few prayers for an easy procedure and quick recovery. You'll do just fine!

Kelly said...

IVs huh? Don't like 'em either. That is the worst part of the whole procedure, I think. Once the IV is in place they can give you the drugs and boom, you're out. I like that part.

Anyways, here is to a safe procedure!
God bless, take care of yourself!
Kelly

3XMom said...

Oh i'm sorry. Saying a prayer that all goes well and you are up and out soon!

Suzie said...

Im so sorry your going through this. I can just imagine how hard it is. I sending you lots of good vibes and some imaginary chicken soup.

Bina said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. After my 4th child (c-section) I planed a tubal. They came in and once they started all this crap about "you will never, EVER, be able to have a nother baby. There is no reversal..." and they were going on and on and I finally had to tell them to STOP cause I was about to change my mind.

My friend has five kids. She didn't want any more, but when it came time for her tubal, she couldn't do it. She said she didn't plan on more kids, but could NOT bring herself to have it done.

It IS all about womanhood. The thing that makes us special. And it's very emotional when that is taken away.

Tonya said...

I can totally understand this post on some many levels. Sending prayers your way.

Vivian M said...

I wish you a speedy recovery, both phsyical and emotional. And that you can find peace in your decision, or the necessity of it. I know this is hard for you, and hope you will feel 100% better and still very much the beautiful, feminine woman that you are when this experience is over. Our positive thoughts and prayers are being sent your way!

WorldsGreatestMommy said...

I don't think we're ever ready to be told "that's it." My mom is 50 this year and going through menopause and it makes her sad. Not because she wants more kids, it's just that being a mom is so tied up in who she is.

I'm more concerned about your health, though. Hoping there are people around to bring food for your family, clean your house, and let you recover. Prayers being sent your way!

Beatriz' suitcase contents said...

I hope you recover quickly, and that you find comfort in the faces of your three little ones. It is ok to mourn, to be sad, because we were meant to "embrace our womanhood".

Christie O. said...

oh, this post made me cry! i am sorry -- i know it must be painful not because you want more kids, but just because it is.
hugs to you and prayers for a speedy recovery.
xo

Heather J. said...

Kristen, My friend across the miles, I am thinking of you.

I wish you a speedy recovery, not only phsyically but emotionally.

Be good to yourself.

Lisa J said...

Hey there girl, I am sending happy positive vibes to you and your doctor right now. I know, I feel it in my bones, everything will be just fine. I bet by this weekend's over you will be doing so much better. But I will be thinking about you anyways. It is the emotional side more than anything else, but it also will bring you so much relief that your life will be so different (and better) than you can ever imagine. Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts, you are awesome! Just rest tomorrow and watch the Kentucky Derby with me OK??

Becoming Me said...

Oh, I can understand why this would make your sad. (((Hugs)))

Darla said...

Praying for you LOTS & LOTS!

Prairie Chick said...

Tears here. Praying that HE will give you peace and strength to make it through this difficult moment. I dread the day that I will have to face the "no more" reality. Prairie Guy would like that to be after this one. My heart aches at the thought. Hugs.

Marianne Thomas said...

Kristen, you're in my prayers today.

And no matter how certain you are that you've reached your limit as a mother, it's still a sad moment of loss. Bearing a child is the ultimate act of faith, hope, and love; saying goodbye to that part of your life is a moment to be acknowledged.

Quick recovery to you, fellow writer-mommy!

Amanda Eck said...

Oh Kristen- I will be praying for you today and this weekend. My heart hurts for you. But I know God will be with you and bring you though this just as He has done so so so so many times for your family. And what blessings you have- 3 precious children who will one day stand up and call you blessed! What a heritage you have creating.
I pray for QUICK recovery- let us know if you need anything.

Sarah said...

wow - you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Jamie said...

Oh I can understand how this would make you weepy. I'll be praying for you today.

Amber (Bringing Good Home) said...

I know exactly what you mean! I've resisted this procedure for the same reasons.. I'd MUCH rather my husband get "fixed" and me not. I don't like needles. I'm terrified of the thought of going under.

And I don't want it to be really over.

Just the thought alone that we aren't trying ever again, that my last baby is leaving babyhood and becoming a big boy, that I won't have the joy of giving birth again... that's all sad enough in itself.

Find comfort in the fact that God is always with you, no matter where you tread, and that though this phase of life may be coming to an end, the next phase will hold new and different joys. God Bless you, sister.

Tara said...

We'll say a prayer for you.

Miscellaneous From Missy said...

Oh, Kristin. I'll weep with you. And we'll be thankful together that "joy comes in the morning." (Well, maybe a few mornings from now, but it will come.) In the meantime, we'll just cry together as friends.

Catherine said...

Oh,I'm so sorry you need this operation. May God work in your spirit today to give you peace.

Christine @ Serenity How? said...

Aww, sweetie...I'll be praying for you. I'm sorry you're going through it and I hope your family takes good care of you. (((HUGS)))

P. S. If I were there I'd make you a big pitcher of sweet tea. I'd even follow your recipe. :)

P. P. S. Maybe they should put it into your IV. :)

jczellar said...

Kristen,

I totally get how this seems to strike stright at the heart of your "womanhood"--hopefully it will ease some medical issues for you, and God will give you His peace and joy both during (well, at least while you're conscious!) and after. And I'm sure your hubby will be quick to confirm that you're still very very much the woman he married and loves!

Thanks for being willing to share and be vulnerable.

(((Hugs,)))
Christa

Domestic Accident said...

Kristin, I didn't know you had this going on. Saying a prayer that it goes well and you heal quickly in all ways. Thinking of you here in New England.

BrownEyedGirl-- said...

I'll be praying for you, that can't be easy!

imadramamama said...

My sister went through this just 2 weeks ago and had the same feelings you do.

You are not alone.

~Momma Chaos said...

This post made me weepy :( I'm sorry. I can totally understand the difference between knowing your DONE with your family and knowing you can never have another baby. My thoughts & prayers are with you!

heather said...

My arms are stretched out to you.
Can you feel it? I am sending you a big hug. I wish you well. Take is easy for a while. and don't rush to recover. I am praying for you.

Marni Tiani Self said...

:( I fear the day I have to admit I'm done having kids.

PS. You are such an amazing writer.

LifeatTheCircus said...

I will be praying for you today and this weekend!

andreawilliams said...

Good luck today! Be strong with those needles :)
Andrea

that girl said...

I had a hysterectomy 3 years ago... it is sad! But then, I don't get my "monthly visitor" anymore and that, my friend, is pretty awesome.

I adopted 2 children after the fact, so never say never!

Kimberly said...

I am praying for you. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Hoping all went well today.

PhotoChick said...

My love and prayers will most certainly be with you... I hope that all goes well, and though I'm sure you're not exactly happy with having to get the surgery. Hopefully it will make things much better for you. Much love to you and yours... and God Bless.

Kelsey Smith said...

I am praying for your God Bless!!

thediaperdiaries said...

Well, I am late to comment, but I am glad to hear things went well. I know God will sustain you through this process of grieving. And it is necessary to grieve even if you had already made the decision to not have more kids. There is something about the permenancy of it, huh?

Becky said...

You are no ninny....pain sucks. I am with you...I avoid doctors, procedures, dentists, etc...like the plague...in fact, if it wasn't for having so many kids...I would probably have not been to the doctor in 16 years. LOL

To a speedy recovery and a new season of blogs. ;)

God Bless,
Becky the maid...
If I wasn't so far away, I would fluff your pillows and freshen your towels!

Dee said...

I'm late but glad your doing okay.

Janel said...

Oh, Kristen, it makes me weepy for you. Glad to read later that is all is well.

Best wishes for a restful weekend!

Amanda said...

I'm sorry for your big decision. I think it would make me weepy too.

Jessica said...

I am a horrible friend lately. I completely missed this. I am so glad it is all over and I hope your heart is healing. I think most women would morn the lost of their child bearing abilities even if they had all the children they could want. That is the reason I couldn't have my tubes tied. Although we will probably not have anymore children I just couldn't do it.

Mom to 5...Daughter of the King said...

I had that done in Jan. Be grateful your dr. did it in the hospital. Mine does it in his office. Can you say PAIN???????